Monthly Archives: March 2010

Toohotmama’s “Cool-Chick” Award

     IDA ROCKS!

Ida Hayes-Green Graduates High School at 99!

 

Ida Hayes-Green finally got her high school diploma, one month before her 99th birthday,  just last week.    

She’s been very busy with all the attention, but when that dies down, Toohotmama’s intend to contact her for an interview.  Enquiring minds want to know what colleges she’s targeting.     

Dudette!  What’s your major?  And we’ve got some serious advice about dorm life.  Stay away from the all you can eat ice-cream machine.  They’re not kidding about the whole ‘Freshman 10’.  And unless you’re into drunken, one night stands, avoid the Frat parties.  On the subject of Dead-week… Okay.  We won’t go there.  

Waiting until Finals to cram might work, especially for those of us with short-term memory loss, so what the heck.  Give it a try.  Beyond that, enjoy.  These next four years will fly by and before you know it?  You’re 103.  Congratulations, Ida Hayes-Green!  You’re our hero and one Hot Mama!    

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Filed under Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood, Older writers, Weight gain

Bad Hair

Wendy and Carolyn Do Hawaii

 

Carolyn and Wendy Do Hawaii
 
The 35 Symptoms of Menopause: A continuing education.  Today, we explore Symptom #26:

Hair loss or thinning head or pubic hair.  Increase in facial or whole body hair.

So many of our friends complain about this symptom.  The hair falls off the head and seems to just explode out of everywhere else. 
 
So, girls.  How do we get rid of unwanted hair without the hideous pain of waxing / electrolysis and those horrible red bumps that come after shaving?  Well, after a LOT of debate–and experimentation–we’ve come to the conclusion that there is no solution.  Why are we fighting the inevitable, ladies? 
 
Let go of your inhibitions.  If you’ve got it, flaunt it.  Embrace your inner gorilla!  Oh, we’re not saying it will be easy.  The first time we hit the beach sporting our new hirsute look, we were a little bashful.  But as you can see by the video our husband’s shot, (above) after a couple Mai Tai’s we got into the rhythm. 
 
Carolyn and Wendy

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Filed under Anxiety, Children, Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood, parenthood, Weight gain, Writing

Lip Service

Spring is coming and it’s time to get in shape!  Toohotmamas is proud to present our new exercise video:

ANGELINA LIPS GUARANTEED!

Don’t waste money on videos that don’t address those pesky lip lines.
For the low price of only $19.99 you’ll receive our Pucker Pretty Video that focuses on 16 dominant muscle groups associated with building stronger, more youthful looking lips.  You’ll groove to our high energy, low impact lip routines that’ll get your heart pumping and your lips moving!  Don’t just endlessly flap your lips when you can be taking your oral fitness to new levels!  Learn to chew faster and with more precision.  Experience heightened sensation while whistling.  And best of all apply your lipstick with confidence.  As always, consult your physician before beginning any lip exercise program.
Void, where prohibited by law.
 

Angelina Lips: guaranteed!

 

L.I.Productions.  A subsidiary of Toohotmama’s Worldwide.

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Filed under Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood

Say that again, I dare you

Oh, thanks a whole lot.  That just ticks me off. 
(See symptom number #7, Irritability.)  I can’t believe you…
Dang it, I can’t remember what you wrote in that last post that ticked me off.

Well, there’s the wisdom of menopause for you.

Wendy

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A Baker’s Dozen

The 35 Symptoms of Menopause: Symptom #13 DISTURBING MEMORY LAPSES

When Wendy and I agreed to begin this blog business, it seemed to me that we were both going to take turns blogging.  However, since it’s been awhile–and our fan base is dwindling from 2 all the way down to zero–I’m beginning to wonder if Wendy might not be suffering from symptom #13 this week.

Since I’d been planning to eventually tackle this subject, I figured I might as well jump in and “Just Do It” as they say.

There are three components to dwindling… thing.  (What did I do with those notes?)

Number One:  The whole RABBIT TRAIL SYNDROME  Starting out with one task in mind and then running off in another direction altogether.  For example:  I sit down to write the great American novel.  But then, somebody, say, my cousin, has this hysterical video on Facebook, that makes it look like he and his wife can do this fabulous figure skating routine.  This is especially funny, as his bio claims he’s 300 pounds.  The fact that he’s holding a beer in his hand only serves to underscore the idea that he’s not all that athletic.  Although, I know his sister’s kids played soccer.  The reason I know this, is because her son played soccer with Jaclyn Smith’s  son.  Remember her from Charlie’s Angels?  My dad loved her.

Carolyn

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Have you seen my libido?

Today, we explore Menopause Symptom # 7  LACK OF LIBIDO.

Who cares?

Carolyn

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Filed under Writing

It’s 3 A.M. Time for tea.

Hey, Carolyn

Do you know you have Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride tea in one of your kitchen drawers?  It’s squished behind some other stuff.

Note to people who aren’t Carolyn:  I discovered the tea, because we write at her house when school is out.  Gives my daughter a chance to have siblings-for-a-day and gives her kids fresh blood.  And, yes, I went through her cabinets without asking; she likes it.  Plus, now that she’s menopausal, she can’t remember that I’ve done it.  I’ve eaten lots of good stuff she didn’t remember she had.

Anyway, Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride Tea!  It smells sooooo good!

I gave up sugar weeks ago.  In addition to its addictive properties , white sugar increases hot flashes and anxiety.  Did you know that?  So I figured I’d sleep better if I wasn’t lying in bed with white sugar coursing through my system, making me hotter and more hyped up than sex ever did.  (Kidding, sweetheart, if you’re reading this. )

Well, abstaining from sugar did NOT help my sleep.  I was still getting up at 3 a.m.  Wide awake.  Child asleep in next room and due to leap from her bed–with almost maniacal energy– in a few hours, just as I finally got sleepy again.  Menopausal sleep deprivation is probably the reason women were committed to insane asylums prior to Estrogen Replacement Therapy.

Since my doctor advised me against ERT, I asked a lovely, rested-looking Asian friend of mine how she was getting through menopause so well.

“We don’t have menopause in my country,” she answered with a sweet smile.

Come again?  “Aren’t you getting hot flashes?”

She tilted her head, considering.  “Mmm…one, maybe?  I’m not sure.”

Not sure?  Not sure that you are about to explode in your bed, setting the walls on fire and burning your entire neighborhood up in a conflagration bigger than anything Irwin Allen ever conceived?  Really?

I asked her what, in her estimation, contributed to the ease with which she was navigating The Change.

She considered again.  “I think…Americans eat too much sugar.”

Okay.  I miss sugar.  But maybe abstinence will have a cumulative effect.

I’m taking some of that tea home, Carolyn.  It smells just like fresh-baked cookies.  And when I wake up at 3 A.M., I’m going to eat two bags.

You’re welcome to join me.

Wendy

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Oui, oui Madame

More on the 35 symptoms of Menopause!

My personal favorite?  Number 14–Incontinence:  especially upon sneezing, laughing, urge incontinence.

 Did you know it is impossible to house-break a Pomeranian?

 Now, in my younger years, this would have sent me through the roof.  The stains on the carpet, the odor, the embarrassment and that’s just my incontinence.

 But, hello?  The dog only compounds the problem.   However, there is a silver lining. I can blame symptom 14 on the dog.   Nah.  Actually, I blame the people who came out of me.  I never used to have this problem when I laughed.  Or sneezed.  Or…or…you know, sky-dived.   Having babies will do that to you.  I have a friend who pushed so hard, she gave partial birth to her bladder. 

 Look, honey!  Twins!

When she was forty, my cousin had a baby.  She said, “At our house, we have one in diapers, one in Kotex and one in Depends.”

 I’m beginning to understand now, why older women like to keep those yappy little dogs around.  “Oh, come on in, but please, ignore those horrible stains on the floor.  I’ve got a Pomeranian.”

 Yeah.  Sure.

 Carolyn

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Filed under Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood

Guns ‘n Menopause

The 36th symptom of Menopause is a sudden fascination with small firearms.

Carolyn

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Please don’t jump the gun

WHOA, Lady!

Are you saying that my extra five pounds (okay, ten; climb off) are not due to menopause if I can trace them back…oh, forty years or so?  Really?

How about my irritability? Memory problems?  I had the damnedest time  with the fourth-grade spelling bee.

Maybe I’m not even in menopause!  I mean, I didn’t have a period when I was a kid, either.  I’m young again!!!!!

Is that what you mean?  We think we’re going through The Change, but, really, we are who we’ve always been.

I always had a little line between my brows when I smiled…so I’m not really wrinkled–

Damn.

The entire theory just fell apart.

Back to the drawing board….

Wendy

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Lions and Tigers and Bears: Oh. Menopause.

 Symptom 11:  Feelings of Dread, Apprehension, and Doom…

 Apparently, I went into menopause when I was 8-years-old.  I remember distinctly going through that entire summer feeling dread, apprehension and doom.  It seemed to revolve around this reoccurring dream I had about pyramids.  Huge, looming, Egyptian pyramids.  Scared the stew out of me.  Until now, I had no idea why I never wanted to travel to Egypt.  Duh.  Menopause.

I refer to this as my year of Egyptian pyramid menopause.  Then, there was the year of clown menopause.  Later on, it was Y2K menopause.

 My youngest daughter is most certainly in menopause and she hasn’t even entered puberty yet, poor thing.  Outer space gives her the heebie-jeebies .  She hates anything outer space.  Star Wars, constellations, Buzz Lightyear…   “Dear Mrs. Bigglesworth:  Please excuse my youngest daughter from the field trip to the planetarium as she is suffering from the eleventh symptom of menopause.

 At tax time, I think my husband entered menopause.  

 I must say.  It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

 Carolyn

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Filed under Anxiety, Children, Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood

A Damsel in Gastrointestinal Distress: Symptom #20

The 35 Symptoms of Menopause    A continuing education.

 Today, I thought I would be fun to demystify symptom # 20.

GASTROINTESTINAL DISTRESS, INDIGESTIN, FLATULENCE, GAS PAIN, NAUSEA.

Why?  Because I think it’s my biggest public fear. 

This idea may be a bit ahead of its time, but hear me out.  I was reading the directions to my Juicer and there was this whole chapter in there about colon and liver cleansing.  Liver cleansing?  Interesting.  Misspent youth.  Don’t ask.  Anyway, imagine my delight to learn that a coffee enema is a fantastic way to promote bile discharge.  Who knew?  As a fan of all things coffee, I gotta admit, this was a surprise.  And, because I’m willing to go to any lengths to dispense with symptom 20, I began to think.

Starbucks is missing out on a fantastic revenue source.  The Coffee Bowel Cleanse.  Huh?  Huh?  Yeah?  Think about it.  Sure, like all innovative ideas, it might be hard to market it at first.  However, as we baby boomers age, there could be a big demand. 

Admittedly, serving this product could be tricky.  I mean it’s not like you could just walk in to Starbucks, drop your pants, bend over and shout, “Fill ‘er up!” at your Barista.  That would be messy.  And there was that whole scalding coffee lawsuit with McDonalds thing awhile back.  Still, it has merit and I’m going to work on the logistics of bringing this product to you, the public.  Eventually.  I don’t know.

In any event, 4 out of 5 doctors say, “Keeping your bowel flora healthy is the single-most important thing that you can do for your health!”

Next, I plan to explore the bowel flora / FTD connection.  Another fantastic revenue source?  I’m thinking so.

Carolyn

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Tying Scarves

I have never worn scarves.  I’ve admired the way people tie them, but it’s always seemed like too much trouble.

Carolyn, on the other hand, is a master of accessories–scarves, hats, bracelets, toe rings.  Very, very creative.  Me?   Not so much.  Until…

“Mommy?  Can I play with that?”

“What, sweetie?”

“That under your chin.”

“What under my–”

Well.  I seem to have developed turkey waddle, which makes me the best toy in the house.  When I was my daughter’s age (almost seven), I played with my great-uncle’s elbow.  He was in his sixties at the time.  His elbow was like warm silly putty; I could stretch it, pinch it, tuck it into cool shapes.  It made him laugh.  I felt very happy playing with my uncle’s elbow.   I am not feeling the same joy with my waddle.

Menopause makes you melt.  Really, every day I have a new face.  Is that on the list of 35 symptoms, Carolyn?  It should be.  It could scare our ovaries into continuing to produce estrogen.

When Libbi was four, she told me, “Mommy, I’ll take care of you when you’re old and crumbly.”  I was only a year into menopause then, so I laughed.  Now I have the daily reminder that “old and crumbly” isn’t so far off.  Time’s marchin’ on.

When I was forty-two with a baby, I felt young.  I thought menopause was years away (turns out it was only two years away).  Now I need to do crunches for my neck, and I wonder if my daughter is going to be disappointed that she has an older mommy who looks like an older mommy.

On the other hand, I have perspective.  I’m beginning to understand the value of looking at other people a whole lot more than I look in the mirror.  And, I’m beginning to understand that when I do look in the mirror, I owe myself a smile no matter what.

After Libbi mentioned the state of my neck, she touched it very gently, stretched it out a little and smiled real big.  She giggled.  I giggled.  It makes her happy, at least for now.  We cuddled a long time.

There are advantages to being the best toy in the house.  But I am also going to learn to tie scarves.  Or maybe I can learn to think of my waddle as an accessory.

Wendy

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Filed under Children, Menopause, Motherhood

Let’s explore symptom # 3 “Irritability”

As we explore the 35 symptoms of Menopause together, I’m going to be taking them out of order.  Why?  Because that’s how they take me.

Symptom Number Three–IRRITABILITY

Normally, I am very kind to telemarketers.  Hey, they are just doing their job, right?  Trying to carve out a living.  Like me.  I get that.  But lately…I don’t know…I find myself somewhat irritated by them.  Probably because of symptoms #5 Trouble Sleeping Through the Night and #9 Crashing Fatigue.

Anyway, early this morning, the phone rings.  Right off the bat, symptom 3 rears its ugly head.  Caller ID says “MSL PROMO’  (402) 982-0420.  Huh?  “Hello?”

Silence.

Symptom 3 ramps up.  “HELLO?”

After another 3 seconds I hear a heavily accented voice say, “Hull-oo?”

“Hi, uh, listen, I don’t do business over the phone, so take me off your list, huh?  Thank you.”  Feeling good about my patient demeanor, loving-my-neighbor and all that, I hang up and roll back over for some much-needed sleep.

Ring.  Same caller I.D.  I don’t want any.  “Hello?”

Again, loooong pause.  “Ees dis Calo…Car…Curlolin…Cularlin…C.c.c…”

“Yes!  Please!  I don’t do business over the phone.  Take me off your list!  Thank you!”  I hang up and try to sleep.

Ring. 

I answer.  “WHAT?”

“Uhh… ees dis… Calr… Colin…C”

“Do not call here again.”

“Haas my cumpony call you more than woonce?”

“As of this morning, THREE TIMES!  BUZZ OFF!”

Ring, Ring…

This is where Symptom #3 possessed me like a scene from the Exorcist.  I picked up the phone and screamed until I was hoarse.  Felt good.  Real good.

Ring, Ring…  (I’m not kidding).  This time, I imagine my caller gathering his telemarketer buddies around the phone, all eager to see what I’ll do next.  It was early.  I had little time to prepare a show, so I improvised with another blood curdling scream.  Loud and long and window rattling.  The dogs dove under the bed.

Throat is raw and bloody.  But I’m feeling good about the way I handled it.  By now, I was awake enough to call the National Do Not Call Number to register my phone.   888-382-1222.  Call ’em.  It’ll save your vocal cords.  And your sleep.

Calrolein…Carlyloln…C…C…Carolyn

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Happy Havztim Tab! L’chayim! (to life!)

Just for fun, I thought I’d look up some of the strange symptoms I’ve begun having and found this preamble to The 35 Symptoms of Menopause

(For some reason, in my head, I hear Mary Poppins reading this, but you listen to whoever you’d like to hear deliver this special news).

 Perimenopause or Premenopause …
is the time before actual menopause. This phase lasts 5 to 13 years and is when you experience most of the symptoms. Menopause is actually a one day event, the last day of your last ever period. Of course, you will not know when that day occurred until you no longer have periods. The average age for menopause is 51. Post-menopause begins 1 year after your LAST period.

O.M.G.  Some of us get to experience these delights for thirteen years?  How…encouraging.  Of course, if I’m one of the lucky ones, this means I’ll have a teenager living with me the entire time.  I can only imagine the driving lessons… their hormones surging, mine waning, both of us screaming.

 And then—this is the part that thrills me—“Menopause is actually a one day event!”

 How exciting!  But, how will I know exactly which ‘day’ that is?  How will I dress?  What should I do?  I’d love to plan a little ‘rite-of-passage’ shindig, like a Mexican Quinceañera or a Jewish Bat Mitzvah only in reverse.  I’m not Jewish (I leave that portion of the blog to Wendy) but I could call it a Havztim Tab and throw a dance.  A dinner.  With gifts.  For moi!  She’s passing from womanhood to cronehood.  Let’s party!

“Of course, you will not know when that day occurred until you no longer have periods.”

Not to criticize the origianal author of this informative piece, but  I might rephrase this aspect of the above preamble to read:   “Of course, you will not know when that day occurred because you are suffering from symptoms 3-6-7-13-14-16-20-22-25-29-31. 

 Unfortunately for me, I think I have imbibed too many preservatives over the years, for my womb keeps sputtering back to life just as I think I’ve achieved Havztim Tab, and the whole thing starts over again.  So, I guess I shall languish in the 35 symptoms awhile longer.  Get to know each of them really, really, really, really, really well.  And then share my findings.  With you.                     

Carolyn

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Filed under Anxiety, Children, Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood