Happy Havztim Tab! L’chayim! (to life!)

Just for fun, I thought I’d look up some of the strange symptoms I’ve begun having and found this preamble to The 35 Symptoms of Menopause

(For some reason, in my head, I hear Mary Poppins reading this, but you listen to whoever you’d like to hear deliver this special news).

 Perimenopause or Premenopause …
is the time before actual menopause. This phase lasts 5 to 13 years and is when you experience most of the symptoms. Menopause is actually a one day event, the last day of your last ever period. Of course, you will not know when that day occurred until you no longer have periods. The average age for menopause is 51. Post-menopause begins 1 year after your LAST period.

O.M.G.  Some of us get to experience these delights for thirteen years?  How…encouraging.  Of course, if I’m one of the lucky ones, this means I’ll have a teenager living with me the entire time.  I can only imagine the driving lessons… their hormones surging, mine waning, both of us screaming.

 And then—this is the part that thrills me—“Menopause is actually a one day event!”

 How exciting!  But, how will I know exactly which ‘day’ that is?  How will I dress?  What should I do?  I’d love to plan a little ‘rite-of-passage’ shindig, like a Mexican Quinceañera or a Jewish Bat Mitzvah only in reverse.  I’m not Jewish (I leave that portion of the blog to Wendy) but I could call it a Havztim Tab and throw a dance.  A dinner.  With gifts.  For moi!  She’s passing from womanhood to cronehood.  Let’s party!

“Of course, you will not know when that day occurred until you no longer have periods.”

Not to criticize the origianal author of this informative piece, but  I might rephrase this aspect of the above preamble to read:   “Of course, you will not know when that day occurred because you are suffering from symptoms 3-6-7-13-14-16-20-22-25-29-31. 

 Unfortunately for me, I think I have imbibed too many preservatives over the years, for my womb keeps sputtering back to life just as I think I’ve achieved Havztim Tab, and the whole thing starts over again.  So, I guess I shall languish in the 35 symptoms awhile longer.  Get to know each of them really, really, really, really, really well.  And then share my findings.  With you.                     



Filed under Anxiety, Children, Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood

3 responses to “Happy Havztim Tab! L’chayim! (to life!)

  1. Preservatives? That’s what keeps you fresh and dewy? I’m gonna strangle those macrobiotic people. I ate brown rice and kale for a decade and became a crone seven years earlier than the average woman?? I’ve been in menopause for four years this May, and I’m only 48. Is it too late to get a bag of Cheetos and pray for an estrogen surge? I’ll drive through Taco Bell if it means plumping those lines around my lips. Maybe I should buy a seven-layer burrito and smear it on my wrinkles.

    Hey, maybe THAT’S what the special sauce in the Big Mac does! It’s like BOTOX. Darn that Super-Size Me guy!!!! I ate all that miso when I could have been satiated and wrinkle free! I am so done with health food.

    Keep the advice comin’!


  2. Love the idea of smearing the wrinkles with food preservative…but wonder…would it preserve the wrinkles? To the test kitchen.

  3. Debbie Douglas

    I was celebrating the end, ready to have my Havztim Tab. Feeling really good that the bag of “supplies”that I had bought would no longer be needed. Then the blow…NOT quite the time to celebrate that with a party. And the really bad part..thanks to one of the “symptoms” I forgot where the bag of supplies were! Can I be done now?

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