Monthly Archives: November 2010

Sexual Healing

What kind of disgusting topic is THIS?

It has come to our attention that the blog posts utilizing the term “Sexual” in the title get the most hits.  We’ll keep you posted on the validity of our hypothesis…

Carolyn

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Haunted Hawaiian Vacation: Part 2

 Did I mention I travel to Maui every year with a former Miss Kansas?  It amazes me how, even though Elizabeth is a forty-something mother of 3 strapping teenage boys and a darling daughter, how men of all ages still nearly break their necks to catch a glimpse of her.  I notice this as I galumph along at her side, marveling over this freak of nature.

Every year, E loves to capture a picture of the four of us (3 Barbies and me, the Cabbage Patch Kid) which she thoughtfully frames and sends to each of us as a Christmas gift.  She’s not shy about grabbing a complete stranger, quickly instructing them in the use of her camera and making them feel privileged to abandon their vacation for a moment and capture our smiles for posterity.

This year, she approached a lovely woman (looked to be somewhere in the toohotmama age bracket) and said, “Would you be kind enough to take a picture of me and my friends?”  The lovely woman graciously agreed and was in the middle of her photography course, when her studly husband strutted up and said, “You don’t want HER to take your picture!  She’s hopeless with anything electronic!”  After this brow-bobbing pronouncement, he grinned rakishly at Elizabeth and then proceeded to wrest the camera from his wife’s—aka: the old gray mare’s—hands.  (It was a bit of a struggle.  It seems the mare had already taken the photography course and was rather invested in the outcome). Continue reading

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Filed under Humor, Marriage, Maui, Menopause, Motherhood

Haunted Hawaiian Vacation

    

Gasp!! It's a BRIGHTON!!

 Our last trip to Maui—see two blogs ago—was…well…for lack of a better word, haunted.  Haunted by bad luck.

The first thing to go wrong was that my wallet was stolen.  ON THE PLANE!  I used my credit card to buy a sandwich from the stewardess and I can only guess that my wallet fell to the floor, slid under the seat and was picked up by an unscrupulous Doo-doo Head  (excuse my French) upon landing.

This was horrible for me for several reasons.

Reason number one:  IT WAS A BRIGHTON WALLET!  $95!  Never mind that I found it (Brand-spanking NEW) at St. Vincent DePaul’s.  Yes!  It still had the original Brighton stickers and packing material!!  The good people at St. Vinnie’s didn’t know that it was worth far more than 2.99.  Yes!  What made it even better?  My mother was with me and it was SUPER SAVER SATURDAY FOR SENIORS!!  She scored a $95 Brighton for $1.50!  Wahooie!  Talk about a high!  This was better than that time when Geraldo Rivera nearly found something in Al Capone/Jimmy Hoffa/whoever’s safe!

Reason number two:  IT WAS FILLED WITH CASH

Reason number three:  IT HAD MY I.D.  Now how was I supposed to check in to the resort?  I wasn’t all that worried about not going home.  Sorry, honey.  Sorry kids.  Maui isn’t the worst place in the world to be stranded.  But…I was nobody!

Talk about a bummer.  Anyway, it all worked out—my fabulous husband Fed-Ex’d me a credit card and my passport.  But the other day, I was at Goodwill still mourning the loss of my wallet and sort of griping to God about it.  I do that.  Gripe to God.  “Lord, I know it’s probably not nice of me to ask You to smite the Doo-doo Head that stole my wallet.  But, could You maybe, replace my BRIGHTON wallet?  Did You get that?  I prefer Brighton…It’s not like I have $95 bucks to go out and replace it.  (Have I mentioned that I have yet to hit the NYT List, Lord?  What about that, Lord?)  Grumble, grumble, sigh.  I’m disgruntled and flipping through the wallet section at our brand new neighborhood Goodwill and suddenly the little hairs stand up on the back of my neck…

Just wait til I slather you with leather cleaner and silver polish!

What is this?  Why…IT’S A BRIGHTON WALLET!  For $3.99!! A little worn—but much less than the one I just lost, being that I’d loved on that wallet for several years—and Bigger than my last wallet!  This one (in its heyday) probably retailed for $120-150 smackeroos.  Oh, yeah. Thank you, Jesus!!  My husband is going to detail/clean it for me (although it’s in awesome shape).

I’ll relate the rest of our Maui misfortunes later.  For now, I’m off to do some more treasure hunting at Goodwill.

Aloha,

Carolyn

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Filed under Goodwill, Humor, Marriage, Maui, Menopause, Motherhood, Travel

More Bathroom Humor

  The other day I was just sitting there (telling you exactly where would be toomuchinfo) reading the can of Summer’s Eve Feminine Deodorant Spray

(Somebody tossed all the old Entertainment Weekly Magazines, so reading material was slim pickins). 

At home or on-the-go, feel fresh and clean every day. 

SAFE AND GENTLE.  Enjoy being a woman.

 Hmm.  Isn’t that nice?  Wait.  What’s this?  Cautions?

 WARNING:  FLAMMABLE.

 Okay, is it just me, or is that word not something you want in a product designed for your ‘nether regions’? 

 DO NOT USE PRODUCT NEAR FIRE, FLAME, OR SPARKS.

 Thank heavens I quit smoking.  ‘Crotch-rocket’ doesn’t just mean motorcycle anymore, eh Wendy?

 AVOID SPRAYING PRODUCT INTO EYES.

 Seriously?  There are people out there who spray this stuff into their face?  Now I’m doubly glad I quit smoking, you know, just in case I wanted my eyes to smell of ISLAND SPLASH instead of Maybelline while going blind.

 FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY.

 Good thing I also quit that fire-eating act.

 DISCONTINUE USE IMMEDIATELY IF RASH, IRRITATION OR DISCOMFORT DEVELOPS.

 Are they talking about the sparks that shoot from your panties upon ignition?  No more sitting on the stove for me.

Kinda takes the enjoyment out of being a woman.

 Carolyn

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Filed under Bathroom Humor, Health, hot flash, Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood

The Bi-Racial Family

This pic is 4 years old.

One of the fun things about having a bi-racial family is listening to the kids talk about their heritage.  My youngest son (now age 7) hails from Guatemalan ancestry.  Tonight at the dinner table he announced that he was born able to understand and speak Guatemalan.

 “Show us,” one of his sisters encouraged.

 “Guackalita causalita Kaleakilauqukita wackima chicho meeko.  Aleeche toto, kay toto,” he said.  “But don’t ask me to spell it.  I can’t even spell in English yet.”

 “Cool,” she said.  “I’m from African/Irish heritage so I’ll demonstrate African first.”  She cleared her throat, thrust her hands into the air (holding an imaginary lion cub, I guess) shouted, “Cowabunga!” and proceeded to sing The Circle of Life.  After some research, I think the actual lyric is “Ingonyama!” but hey, whatever.

I really need to take a pic of ALL the kids together in this lifetime

 

“That’s English,” her Irish/Italian sister said.  “If you really want to sound African, do a bunch of clicking sounds with your tongue.”  They all proceed to click with their mouths full and laugh.  It was nauseating.

Because three (?)–I can’t remember–of the five are adopted, ‘adoption’ is another subject they don’t tiptoe around.  “Hey,” youngest son shouted after being provoked half to death by his brother as we drove down the road one day, “why don’t you go back to the people that borned you?”

Before I could jump in and smooth things over, my older son nearly died laughing and said, “After you go back to the ones that borned you.”  That cracked them both up and they wrestled the rest of the way home.

I love that there is no political incorrectness or fear in the things they can discuss.  They know that they are physically different and not born from my womb, but my heart (which makes them super-cool).  They talk about it, point it out, laugh about it, admire it, but mainly don’t notice/care about it.  They see family. 

So beautiful.  So free.

 

Carolyn

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Filed under Adoption, Children, Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood, The Bi-Racial Family

Aloha. Oy.

I have not blogged for a while because I was out-of-town. Maui to be exact.  I planned to do a lot of writing while there, but alas, just couldn’t work up the energy.  Too busy trying to connect my liver spots by the pool.

I go every year with three girlfriends: the lawyer, the engineer and the model (used to be Miss Kansas).  They could all be models, actually, so laying by the pool next to them in my swimdress-that-doubles-as-a-puptent is such a treat.  So relaxing.

These ladies (all in their late 40’s/early 50’s) enjoy getting up at the crack of dawn and guilting me into ‘walking’ with them.  For me, this equals four miles of morning angina, before a peppy trip to the gym for some heat exhaustion, then, back to the suite for a delicious breakfast of air and coffee.

After breakfast it’s off to the pool to do what we call “assume the position”.  For them, this means baking to a delicate golden brown.  For me, it means profuse sweating coupled with heat stroke which I valiantly stave off by rolling into the pool every so often.

At lunchtime, we experiment with new and exotic ways to use Crystal Lite drink mix.  This year, we tried it on fat-free popcorn.  Interesting bouquet.  Fruity.  Light.  Disgusting.

Of course since popcorn has a nearly 90% glycemic index, we had to do four more miles of angina before dinner.  Dinner is time to splurge with a handful of veggies and a movie.

I came back 7 pounds lighter.

Halloween fixed that, though.  Got the old glycemic index back on track in one simple evening.  Until next year, of course.  Aloha.

Carolyn

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Filed under Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood, Travel