Scenes you’ll never read in a romance novel

 Call me slow, but I am only just now realizing that the romance novels I’ve read (okay, and written) aren’t exactly realistic.  I know, I can hear you gasping from here.  Why, Carolyn, whatever could you mean?  Well, I guess I mean that people claim they want a real hero, but how real is too real?  As writers, could we be doing a disservice to the reader by painting a less than accurate portrait of a real relationship?  For example, I have never seen:

Stone sat in his sports car at the corner of 12th and Main, his mind idling along with his powerful engine.  His finger was buried up to its second knuckle in his nostril as he reflected on the short skirt his secretary had worn to work that morning.  She was one hot tamale he mused, as he flicked a booger on his car mat.  Yeah, she had some serious cellulite and a muffin top, but hey, nobody was perfect…

Flooded with relief, Hunter made it to the men’s room just before the diarrhea reared its ugly head.  Oh man, I hope I don’t break the porcelain
he thought as he perched on the toilet, his trousers down around his ankles.  Hopefully, being that this was their first date and all, Lucy wouldn’t leave before the cramps did…

Stag ambled to his motorcycle and straddled the seat.  It was a great day for a ride in the country.  There was nothing like the thunder that roared from between his legs as he fastened his helmet.  Then, he kick-started his bike and revved the engine.  Man, he loved eating at Taco Bell, but he was going to have to ride like the wind to get away from that smell…

As Suzy lay basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking, Rafe’s horrendous morning breath assailed her nostrils.  She smiled down at him.  He really needed a shave.  And about a gallon of mouthwash.  And then, there was the matter of that nasty gunk in the corners of his eyes…

Ah well.  Maybe I’m just ahead of my time.

Carolyn

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6 Comments

Filed under 35 symptoms of menopause, Bathroom Humor, Humor, Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood, romance novels, Writing

6 responses to “Scenes you’ll never read in a romance novel

  1. Hilarious descriptions. I can tell that you were feeling quirky when you wrote!

  2. Jill

    Cracking up here….thanks…I needed the laugh. I think some things just need to be left to the imagination..

  3. Shirley

    LOL!!! Serious swallow-any-beverages-before-proceeding warning would have been helpful … I almost snorted root beer out my nose. (Another scene you won’t find in any published novel.) Too, too funny! Except that last one – too real to be funny. 🙂

  4. Cindi Maggied Gellert

    I’ve been up since 4:30 AM – this was the great smile I needed. Thanks!

  5. Lisa Wolfe

    You always crack me up….Love all of your writings.

  6. Margaret

    This is TOO FUNNY! And so accurate! Perhaps only married women really know the truth!

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