Excuuuuuuse me? This is the list of the most powerful women in the world? Hello? Wendy? Where were we? How could they neglect to mention the Queen and Crown Princess of the United States of Marriage, Motherhood and Menopause? I ask you, what could they do all day that is any more harrowing than teaching their exceedingly blond daughter how to drive when they are suffering from Menopause Symptom number 16 (see bowel/bladder control problems)?
Don’t say complex political issues and difficult paperwork, because I’m not impressed. Do they have to deal with the ENDLESS RED TAPE associated with choosing which soccer photos to order—the deluxe pro-trading cards with 2 5×7, 1 8×10 4 wallet in a pear tree or the completely useless mini-mouse pad and bobble-head coffee mug combo—when they are simultaneously trying to recall the structure of a 5 paragraph essay, WHICH WAS DUE YESTERDAY, DEAR, while under the influence of a hot flash? I think not.
Here’s a snippet on these supposed “Power-Women”, from Fortune 500 magazine: There’s been plenty of turmoil atop Fortune’s annual Most Powerful Women list. Meg Whitman crashed the party, coming in at No. 9 when she became CEO of Hewlett-Packard. (As CEO of eBay, she was on the list from 1999 to 2007.)
What party? And why didn’t we crash it, Wendy? It would have been a perfect opportunity to take George Clooney with us and show him what he’s missing by dating kindergarteners! Let’s not let that happen again, okay? Plus, this Meg Whitman actually left eBay, the shopping-palooza event of the century to go work for HP? Gack.
While Oprah Winfrey fell 10 spots to No. 16, her power and influence in flux without the platform of her eponymous syndicated talk show. [sic]
Cry me a river. And okay, what does eponymous mean, anyway? I’m sure if we had to, we could totally be eponymous.
Perhaps the biggest change of all? Kraft CEO Irene Rosenfeld takes the No. 1 position from PepsiCo chief Indra Nooyi, who topped the list for five years. This ranking is all about power, and while Nooyi runs the bigger company, Rosenfeld’s decision to split Kraft into two entities shows she has it and knows how to use it.
Try splitting an order of fries that nobody fights over, girls, now that takes skill. Here at Toohotmamas, we have it and we know how to use it, too. We just have to find ‘it’. And then… of course, use ‘it’.
So. Next year, Wendy, we’re gonna be on that list. Fortune 500, Schmortune Shmive-hundred! That’s right. Stand back, Irene. You. Me. My kid driving my minivan. On the freeway. Then we’ll see who can really hack it.