Today is yard sale day at our place. Mostly we’re getting rid of the children’s clothes, toys and uber-cool loft bed with slide attachment–wheee!–that we have been hanging onto for our next child. Our home study to adopt from U.S. Foster Care is one year old on July 11th.
We’ve been in the process much longer than that, however,
I wanted to adopt a second time six months after our daughter came home. Hubby wasn’t ready. For eight years, I agonized over raising an only child. I agonized over my unfulfilled longing to give an older child a home; I’ve wanted to do that since I was ten. Weird, but true. Then he was ready and we started our home study.
I’m still agonizing.
In one year, we’ve come close a couple of times, but ultimately no kiddo. Lately, we haven’t heard anything in response to sending out our home study. And so I wonder: Are we too old? Don’t make enough money? Is it not God’s will? Two of my friends brought home their children mere minutes, it seemed, after completing their home studies. And so I scan the photo sites (so did they, after all), looking for kids who need families. Last week I found myself scanning them while my daughter was wondering why we don’t do dance parties at night like we used to. Because I’m busy trying to get you a sibling, that’s why.
Uh oh. Wrong answer, even if I only said it in my mind.
And so, I am releasing the clothes and the toys and uber-cool bed today. I am releasing the intense need and the fear of it never happening and the resentment I feel building, because it hasn’t happened yet (and this is a blog about menopausal mothers, not about twenty-somethings; time’s marchin’ on).
I will hang onto the dream; I’d be lying if I said anything else. But I will also hang onto my gratitude for the family I have. For the friends and cousins my daughter loves and who love her back. I’ll hang onto God and to seeking God’s will for me, because when I seek to be more serving than served, really good things happen–for others as well as for me.
And tonight, my darling daughter, we will dance.