Tag Archives: being broke

Another Get Rich Quick Scheme Down the Toilet

Heeeeeellllppp meeeeee!

Ohmigosh, Wendy!  Last night I had a dream that J. Lilly, President of Pillsbury wrote us a letter.  It was so terrifying!  So real!  I woke up in a sweat (could have been a hot flash) and scribbled down what I remembered on a candy wrapper I found lying near my bed: 

To TooHotMamas:

(Whoever you are and whatever your racket is)  

 Stop harassing me about winning my contest, or I’ll be forced to take out a restraining order against you both.  The only reason I haven’t contacted the authorities yet, is because my sister is menopausal and tells me you are both out of your minds. 

In answer to a few of your many and varied accusations:  No, the contest was not rigged, nor am I related to the winners and yes I eat Pillsbury products in my home and have no signs of these ‘pathogens’ you allude to.  

Also, since Jack Bauer is a FICTIONAL television character (24), I cannot take the threat that you would report my contest to the Counter Terrorist Unit seriously.  I can’t believe Jack Bauer would take it seriously.  In a shoot out, everyone knows the doughboy has no vital organs and can withstand intense heat.  Jack Bauer, though impressive, would never survive a pre-heated 350 oven for more than 30 minutes. 

TooHotMamas, I will not be bullied into, and I’m quoting here, “Taking you to the stars with your two-ingredient Pancake Sauce”, and must reiterate: Winning my contest will not solve your myriad problems.  In fact you both may wish to consider counseling.  I’ve heard this stage of life is hard on many women and can lead to delusional behavior.  

Thank you for including the pictures of your children in your missive of terror and yes, aside from needing braces, they are all exceedingly attractive. 

You will be contacted from my lawyers for your issues with our contest protocol, and must sign sworn statements to hold Pillsbury harmless, if you wish to participate in the future. 

Sincerely, 

John Lilly, CEO Pillsbury Corporation

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Filed under aging, Anxiety, Children, Cooking, hot flash, Marriage, Menopause, Motherhood, Pillsbury Bakeoff, Weight gain, Weight Loss

delusions

Just got an e-mail from a college friend.  She proposed that with all the negative news on shows like CNN, people must be rushing out to buy romance novels and she pictures me “prosperous, delighted and rolling in abundance.”  I’m rolling, alright.  ROFLMAO.

I haven’t written back yet.  Printing the truth in black and white could require a Margarita drip…except that I don’t drink, so maybe a cake?  The big kind, from Costco.  The whole thing.

Being a broke artist at twenty was exhilarating.  Being a struggling artist at thirty was motivating.  At forty–a great spiritual growth experience.   At forty-eight?  It sorta bites.

Here’s the thing.  Ever since menopause and the disappearance of my jaw line (how is it you have still have a sculpted jaw, Carolyn?  If you’re getting nipped without telling me, I’m gonna get upset)…anyway, ever since menopause and, let’s face it, the myriad physical changes (and that brings me to why it’s REALLY called “the change,” but that’s another blog), I feel, well, grief when I think of the expectations I had and the reality I live.  The reality is GOOD, GREAT in so many ways, but…different.  And there is grief involved in its acceptance.   Grief in letting go of so much.  All those delicious delusions of grandeur.  I really liked those.

Anyway, I know this menopause thing is a marvelous opportunity to grow.  To find the endless summer within.  And I’ll do that.  Uh huh.  Right after we win the Pillsbury Bake-Off, hit the NYT list and join a gym to sculpt age-defying muscles.    Denial first, acceptance later.  😀

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Filed under Menopause, Writing