Ohmigosh, Wendy! Last night I had a dream that J. Lilly, President of Pillsbury wrote us a letter. It was so terrifying! So real! I woke up in a sweat (could have been a hot flash) and scribbled down what I remembered on a candy wrapper I found lying near my bed:
(Whoever you are and whatever your racket is)
Stop harassing me about winning my contest, or I’ll be forced to take out a restraining order against you both. The only reason I haven’t contacted the authorities yet, is because my sister is menopausal and tells me you are both out of your minds.
In answer to a few of your many and varied accusations: No, the contest was not rigged, nor am I related to the winners and yes I eat Pillsbury products in my home and have no signs of these ‘pathogens’ you allude to.
Also, since Jack Bauer is a FICTIONAL television character (24), I cannot take the threat that you would report my contest to the Counter Terrorist Unit seriously. I can’t believe Jack Bauer would take it seriously. In a shoot out, everyone knows the doughboy has no vital organs and can withstand intense heat. Jack Bauer, though impressive, would never survive a pre-heated 350 oven for more than 30 minutes.
TooHotMamas, I will not be bullied into, and I’m quoting here, “Taking you to the stars with your two-ingredient Pancake Sauce”, and must reiterate: Winning my contest will not solve your myriad problems. In fact you both may wish to consider counseling. I’ve heard this stage of life is hard on many women and can lead to delusional behavior.
Thank you for including the pictures of your children in your missive of terror and yes, aside from needing braces, they are all exceedingly attractive.
You will be contacted from my lawyers for your issues with our contest protocol, and must sign sworn statements to hold Pillsbury harmless, if you wish to participate in the future.
John Lilly, CEO Pillsbury Corporation