We’re Driving Now!

Is this a One Way Trail?

As Wendy mentioned in yesterday’s blog, we are huge fans of Ree Drummond’s Pioneer Woman Blog.  That big old ranch and the simple life-style… I always wanted to be a pioneer woman as a kid.  Live in a covered wagon, you know, one of them Prairie Schooners.  Yeehaw.  Until I got in one once and couldn’t find the electrical outlet.  How do you plug anything in?  Discovered I’m a modern girl at heart.  With one exception.
TEACHING MY DAUGHTER TO DRIVE.
If only I was teaching her to drive a Prairie Schooner.  If you were a fly on the windshield of our car, this is what you’d see/hear on any given day lately:
Me, praying:  “Our Father, who art in heavennnn Eeeaaauuuuggggghhhh!!!!!  Loook out!”
“Mom!  What?”
“Did you not see the people on the sidewalk, there?”
“Yes!  I saw them!”
Me, panting:  “Good.  Just checking.”
“Sheesh.  Relax.”
“Sure.”  Deep breaths.  “Okay.  Get off their lawn and back onto the road.  Okay.  No, really, that’s okay.  You’re fine.  Just get out of their living room and back on the road.  Oh, dear Jesus, forgive me for every sin I committed since my last driving session with my daughter, Lord.  Forgive me for those words I uttered in that intersection back there… Mother of Godzilla!!!    LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING!”
“Mom!  Chill!  I’m in control!”
“And, Lord, should I die, soon…”
“You’re really not helping, Mom.”
Darling, have I mentioned that we are not in England?  Nor are we in Australia.  No, no, darling, we are in the good old United States, where we drive on the right side of the road.  The Right.  The RIGHT!  The OTHER RIGHT!”
“Isn’t this a one way street?”
“Auuuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooiiiiiieeeeeee!”
I bet you always wondered how to spell that guttural sound you make just before you die in a thunderous ball of fire.  I’m pretty sure that’s it, give or take a few h’s.
Ah, for the days of the 2 horse-power covered wagon.  Ree, we think you’re on to something.
Carolyn

Too Hot Mamas. M.I.A.

Where’s Waldo? 

The answer to that is no doubt simpler than the explanation of where Carolyn and Wendy have been in the past month.  You know that schedule we made?  Meno-Mom Mondays, Tuesdays at Carolyn’s Cafe, Winning Wednesdays where we promise you gift cards for winning contests we never actually run… ?

Yeah, good times.  But, life changes and we must change with it.  So, even though Carolyn is, at this moment, sitting beside me, Wendy, screaming, “We need a new schedule!” I’m not going to type her directives.  I’m simply tired of lying to y’all. 

We’re NEVER going to get our act together.  That’s part of our charm.  You want work ethics?  Let’s have a shout-out for Pioneer Woman, who keeps it together, because, hey, she still has the hormones to do it. 

In fact, Pioneer Woman–we’re talking to you now, Ree–we’re going to start referencing you in all our tags in the hope of purloining a few of your loyal fans.  We see it this way:  You’ve got a successful blog, a handsome husband, a book deal, all them cows.  We know you’ll remember to blog.  In fact, we’ve stopped reading our blog, because you’re always there, and you’re good.  Frankly we’re unreliable. We hope you won’t mind sharing.  ‘Tis the season to gift us with a few of your readers. 

 Now, as to why Caroline and I have been M.I.A.:  We’ve been in labor.  Both of us.

As I said, Carolyn is seated beside me right now, and I can tell you she looks exhausted.  Dragged through the mill.  Half dead already.  Who can blame her for not blogging?  For the past few months, she has been hard at work on a new novel with a deadline as tight as my old Levis.  80K words in three months, which as it turns out is appx 20K words more than she needed to write,but she’s always been an overachiever.  Also, she’s menopausal and forgot how many words the contract stated.  She’s produced a masterful novel about a woman–and a town’s–resurrection following a devastating tornado.

I, on the other hand, have been creating tornadoes.  My family and I have spent the past two months visiting on and off with a young woman in foster care.  Recently she spent a week with us.  What a fabulous, life-altering, terrific experience for us all.  Although we are not going to adopt this young lady, we are certain that we will pursue adoption of an “older” child from U.S. Foster care.

So.  Too Hot Mamas are back.  Better, stronger, faster…

Okay, let’s just leave it at we’re back.

 

Trust Me, I’m Lying

One thing you gotta love about Too Hot Mamas:  When we say we’re lying, we mean it.

See the nifty section to the right that claims “Our Blog Schedule”?  Carolyn and I decided to impose some actual order onto this blog when we realized we were getting more readers and also because we’ve been asked to turn our blog into a book proposal.  So, hey, we ought to actually be blogging on a regular basis, right?  It took us five weeks to decide on the schedule you see and two weeks to completely ignore it.

I mean, “Winning Wednesday: Enter our bi-weekly sweepstakes!”??   Come on.  My husband is still waiting for his Christmas and anniversary gifts since 1998.  (And now that I think of it, honey, so am I.  What’s up with that?)

Let’s be honest here:  Sam, you won the very first drawing.  Have you received your free book yet? I thought not.

Rhonda, you scored a giftcard to Starbuck’s.  Check’s in the mail, babe.

We mean well.  Honest.  But we are menopausal and can’t remember crap, and I think that is way more valid than the Twinkie Defense, I don’t care what anyone says.

I am suggesting that you stop wasting your time here and head on over to The Pioneer Woman blog.  That Ree Drummond is amazing.  Four kids, the blog, a TV show, she Tweets, and I’m guessing that whoever won the Le Creuset pot she  gave away in her contest last week has actually received it.   The woman not only cooks, she finds the time to photograph her dinner.  With four kids!  I have a husband and one child (and usually one or more of her ravenous friends) and if I paused to get my camera out, the dinner would look like road kill before I snapped the first shot.

Ree Drummond is a role model.  But not for us Too Hot Mamas.  No, not for us.  If  Pioneer Women is in peri-menopause (never mind the full meal deal) I’ll eat my red hat.   She’s far too together and organized.  She remembers what she was about to say.  Her mood seems stable.  She has great hair.  Now that I think of it, after you visit her awesome, entertaining and cozy website, pop back here for a dose of reality.  We’ll make you feel so much better about yourself.  No, you may never receive anything you win, but at least then you’ll have a reason for those pesky mood swings.  And, really, don’t you enjoy having a place where you can let your hair down…even if it is chin hair?

I thought so.  We’ll see you here tomorrow then, for Food Friday, when we will discuss the removal of pet hair from furniture.

Wendy