It’s a sign! Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy on…JULY 22!! The very same day I married my darling husband (I forget what year, but I think the automobile had already been invented) and I TOO, GAVE BIRTH TO A CHILD on JULY 22! Yes! Our first daughter was born on our wedding anniversary, isn’t that weird? No, we didn’t have to get married, lest anyone fret, it was our 16th wedding anniversary. But anywho…back to the main point…
Our faithful readers know that I have wanted to establish a royal family in the good old U.S of A. for a long time now. Just think of what it could do for our economy! The gossip, the scandal, the paparazzi…I’m ready to take the throne. And, when I’m done reading the National Enquirer in the bathroom, I think I shall renew my campaign efforts.
Then again, why should I bother? The common people have no say in such matters. Royalty is not elected. Therefore, I shall simply take office. No one else has jumped in, so why not?
Okay then. Ah hemmm… ATTENTION!
I hereby declare myself to be Queen of the United States of America. My first act as HRM Carolyn Zane? Take my son to the doctor to get his wart frozen off. And then? Ice cream to celebrate. I’ll try to get a play-date going with Wills and Kate’s kid soon. There will be pictures. I have all kinds of advice for the new parents. How to get a Lego out of a nostril, for one thing. Not as easy as it sounds.
- Strange hats? I can do that!
Yesterday, I was standing in the grocery line at Wal-Mart, striving to appear as if I was not reading the tabloid covers, but come on, I was at Wal-Mart? Just call me oxy-moron. Anyway, I see that poor Kate Middleton has hit a bit of a rough patch and that got me to thinking: Do I really have the chops to represent the USA as her Queen? Let’s weigh the pros and cons, shall we?
There have been kidnapping threats.
Demands to give Wills a baby.
Extreme weight loss.
Now, lets examine the cons…
That does it. I’m in.
My greatest fear—or—given our current culture of crude ‘reality”—asset, would be hoof-in-mouth disease or even worse…being thought too common. For example, I recall the horrifying moment when Lady Di was presented with something made of china as a gift and she had the audacity, gasp!! to turn it over and look for the label. Tres gauche! I just wanted to curl up and Di.
I don’t know my Waterford from a hole in the ground, so Di was light years more savvy than me and she still had people fainting over her horrendous faux pas. I can only imagine what the good people will say when I serve baloney boats and Coke at my coronation. And my youngest daughter can belch like a long-shoreman, so…guess I’m gonna have to speak to her about that before my big day.
Joyce, I agree about the Facebook thing, so that’s my number 2 item for change. Keep ‘em coming, people. What good is having a queen, if she can’t make life a little easier for us all?