Tag Archives: Sleep Apnea
Probably the best part of Sleep Apnea is the really cool machine you get to take home and use every single night for the rest of your life! But before you can be trusted with the Nimbus 2000, you have to take a class with members of your non-breathing peer group. At first, it’s much like an AA meeting in that you don’t want anyone to know you’re there. Everyone takes a seat, looking as if they are facing their sentencing for crimes committed while asleep. If you’re lucky, you get the Good-Humor Man as your instructor to loosen things up. And, I gotta tell you, once everyone puts on ‘the mask’ it’s a veritable festival of fun. One guy in my class (a four-year veteran of Sleep Apnea) said it takes all the ‘mystery’ out of love-making. Apparently, when the wife sees him sans mask, she knows what time it is. Yeah, it takes the old mystery out of a lot of stuff. Another guy in my class was gonna order a mask for his wife so they could play Darth Vader. Everyone’s a comedian. I think my big beef is the lack of bling. A lady who sat across from me was wondering if we could maybe bedazzle the straps or get a model in leopard print or dayglo pink. I’d like to see the thing double as a blow dryer for those of us who like to double task. Anyway, if you have read this blog for any length of time, you know I’m big into get rich quick schemes, and I think I’m onto something with the Sexy Cpap machine (continuous positive airway pressure). Gonna get on the horn with Victoria. I think there’s a market here.
Ever wake up in the middle of the night, certain that something in your body has… stopped? You might have Sleep Apnea. The first time this happened to me, I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. That day I’d just felt her move for the first time. That night, I thought we’d died. I woke up clawing and gasping and my ever-helpful husband roused just enough to tell me to shut up. “But, I’m having a HEART ATTACK!” “Then play a spade or a club,” he muttered and rolled over. This has gone on (and off) for years. Me, waking up dead. Wondering, what causes this strangeness?
Oddly, I slept like a baby. Or so I thought. According to the test results, I’m fond of not breathing for loooong stretches at a time. And, perhaps this is why I drag through the day, blaming old age, bad diet, a penchant for staying up all night long, global warming, Bernice Hudeen from the 3rd grade, whatever.
Anyway, it’s official. Sleep Apnea. I’ll be back with an overview of the cure. If I live that long.