Before menopause, every month I was bloated. It was so miserable. Pants would not button, I looked pregnant (sometimes, I was) and I found it impossible to ignore the siren call of the refrigerator.
I used to rage against the ebb and flow of the estrogen. Why couldn’t I just be one size all month-long? Blast these hormones!
Now, I long for the monthly bloat because at least it would disappear now and again. Unfortunately, my wishes have come true and I am one size all month-long. Size bloat. Thanks to menopause, I’m stuck with the dreaded ‘belly fat’. Oh, I hear the ads on the radio about the miracle menopause pills designed to dissolve my fat, give me untold energy and the sex drive of my unneutered male Cocker Spaniel, but I have a feeling that the changes are not going to come from a pill.
They are going to come from two things: My son Gabriel (seeking retribution for all the room cleaning I demand) and Joe Cross, the king of Juice. Gabe has designed a fitness plan for me and…as I write this, he is setting up the family room for my “burn”. My daughter, Grace, is manning the juicer. I’m popping One A Day Silver’s like they were M&M’s.
Why juice you ask? Well, because last year, my doctor asked me to watch the documentary “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” (I was too fat, sick and nearly dead to be offended) and I did the juice thing during the summer and it worked. Unfortunately, I had no muscle tone to keep it off, so Halloween candy through New Year’s party dip helped pile it all back on.
Why on earth is she telling me this? you are all scratching your heads and asking. Well, since we are two months into the New Year, it is becoming clear that I need an accountability partner. No. Scratch that. I need all 3-4 thousand of you, dear readers, to crack that whip and keep me moving. So, here’s the deal. I’m going to watch Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead again (yes, it is inspiring, but mainly, Joe Cross, with his Australian accent, it so cute and this movie is really fun to watch with a tub of butter flavored popcorn and a large Coke) and start my fitness regimen today. Gonna build some muscle. Thought I’d start with the jaw.
Since I have no intention of telling you my actual weight, I shall say only that we are at +20 and the goal is to get to +0. I’ll check in with my daily weigh-in’s if my son’s ‘burn’ program doesn’t kill me first. Now. I must get out of bed. I really, really don’t want to. Maybe I should start this whole thing tomorrow…